Jack Ascii

Winner, hands down best eyebrows in a neck punch video. Loser, hands down in all categories unrelated to neck punching (e.g. life, personality, etc.).

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Neck Punching

I just got finished listening to the Podiobooks production of Tracy Hickman’s “The Immortals”. It was fantastic. If you have a long drive or multiple flights coming up, I suggest downloading the first 10-15 chapters of this audio book before you go. The story itself is excellent, and the production is great as well. Go check it out now!

For those who’d like a little background of the story before diving in, here you go:

“It’s 2020, and an attempted cure for AIDS has mutated into a deadlier disease, V-CIDS. The U.S., under martial law, has set up “quarantine centers” in the Southwest. Searching for his gay son, Jon, media mogul Michael Barris smuggles himself into one of centers only to discover that it and the other centers are actually extermination camps. With a strange assortment of allies, including the leader of the camp’s gay barracks, an army officer and a local cowboy, Barris precipitates an inmates’ rebellion that promises the unraveling of the death-camp system and the overthrow of the government that established it.”

If you like the story, I (as well as the folks at podiobooks.com) suggest that you drop a little coin to the author. This was my first ever experience with the folks at podiobooks.com and I was definitely impressed. Gonna check out “How to Succeed at Evil” next. 

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Mass Media Update

I got a favicon. Do you know what a favicon is? Is it…

1. The Decepticon Starscream’s cousin.
2. A synonym  for buddy for Brushy Mountain Prison’s Myspace page. (I’m not even sure what this means)
3. The little icon that shows up in your browsers URL bar for some cool web sites. 

If you guessed 3, way to go. Unfortunately, you don’t really win anything. Honestly, if you visit this site regularly, “win” probably isn’t in your vocabulary anyway. Regardless, I have one now. If you are a Wordpress fool like me, check out this step by step procedure to get your very own favicon added to your site.  If you don’t care about favicon’s or just need some excitement, click here (come on, you can trust me. When have I ever steered you wrong?)  

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / web site crap

This guy is our winner for the worst celebration after a neck punch by a mentally handicapped person who really isn’t mentally handicapped. The double thumbs up is so five years ago.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Neck Punching

BJ Penn defeated Sean Sherk this weekend at UFC 84 “Ill Will”. Sean Sherk is arguably one of the best light weights (155lbs) to ever fight in the UFC. Coming into the fight, he was 32-2-1, with his only loses coming to former welterweight title holder Matt Hughes and current welterweight title holder George St. Pierre (both fights were at 170lbs). He has wins over notables such as Karo Parisyan (twice), Kenny Florian, Hermes Franca, and Nick Diaz.

With that said, he got dominated by “The Prodigy” on Saturday night. There is no shame in that though, as I don’t believe anyone anywhere can beat Penn at 155 right now. Forgive me as I have Penn colored glasses. Along with Jens Pulver, BJ Penn is my favorite MMA fighter. On Saturday night, he completely dictated every bit of the fight. He took a world class wrestler and forced him to trade jabs with him for three rounds. The fight never went to the canvas until the end of round three when the muscle shark (worst nickname ever) took a patella to the cranium. Unfortunately, this also spelled the end of the fight for Sherk.

Here’s what I know about Penn; the guy never looks like hes been in a fight. His opponents have not been so lucky. Pulver (second fight), was completely jacked up, Stevenson looked like someone had done an autopsy on his face, and Sherk’s noggin looked like bruised hamburger.

Although I’d like to see Penn stay at 155lbs, I honestly don’t think anyone has anything for him at that weight in the UFC. As it looks right now, if he stays, he’ll have to fight the winner of the Florian/Huerta fight. I like both of those guys, but I just don’t see either of them posing any type of challenge for Penn. Kenny got dominated by Sherk, and we have already shown that Penn > Sherk. As for Huerta, can anyone tell me what part of his game is superior to Penn’s? I didn’t think so.

What does this mean? I’m guessing a rematch with St. Pierre. I won’t say anything about the first fight except for what Penn has already said. After the first fight, St Pierre (who won according to the judges/crack smokers), went to the hospital, while Penn went to the club. Anyway, i’ll wrap it up with this - check it out!

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Mixed Martial Arts

The people in the following video are not paid actors (no joke).  Someone needs to tell the guy with the cast that he’s ruined a perfectly good piece of video about neck punching. 

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Neck Punching

Today after lunch I decided to buy my coworkers (all 30 of them) some ice cream. So, I went to Kroger’s and headed straight for the frozen desserts section. I had my mind set on buying some Mayfield ice cream sandwiches. Unfortunately for my coworkers, the Mayfield products were positioned rather close to the generic Kroger brand versions. I ended up buying the Kroger brand sandwiches. I think Kroger needs to be honest with themselves. Looking at their ice cream sandwiches box, it’s like they aren’t even trying. Seriously, it is my opinion that if they changed the current box cover to one that featured a Kroger employee scooping ice cream out of a Bryers dumpster, it would be a significant improvement. I probably need to wrap this story up so I’ll end with this; I treated my coworkers to sub par ice cream.

Nine inch nails released an album (Slip) on their website this week, and it’s totally free. It ain’t no Broken or The Downward Spiral, but it’s free. Now, if I could only get my boy’s Right Said Fred to follow suite…

Jack Ascii’s Nascar Terms Quiz:

• What is Dirty Air? Is it a) the air used and discarded by the lead car or b) a by product of Bobby Hamilton after a six pack of Krystal chili cheese pups.
• What is Drag? Is it a) the vacuum that is created between two cars running nose to tail which results in the lead car pulling the trailing car along with it or b) insert Jeff Gordon joke here.
• What is Weight Jacking? To be safe, I probably just need to tell you what this is. It’s the practice of shifting the car’s weight to favor certain wheels.

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns and Mass Media Update

I have three memories from cafeteria lunches in middle school. The first of which is seeing part of a grasshopper bob in the ranch salad dressing self serve bowl a couple days after we dissected them in Biology class. I have no idea who placed said grasshopper in the salad dressing, but I would like to applaud them. See, one character flaw I have (and accept) is that I delight in the misfortunes of others. Now, when I say misfortunes, I’m not talking about cancer, or anything remotely life threatening. I’m referring to things like catching a croquet ball in the groin or jamming up your girlfriends parents toilet. Anyway, when I recall the whole bobbing grasshopper episode, I like to imagine a guy or girl who, after months of fighting it, has finally made peace with the fact that they will be eating cafeteria food for the remainder of the school year. Maybe on this particular day, this person is actually looking forward to eating a salad. Nothing brings me greater joy than these small instances of misfortune. Being a teenager is pretty tough even without finding a grasshopper thorax in your salad. 

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Uncategorized

Apparently I can turn one dollar into a KFC Snacker. It is also noteworthy that one KFC Snacker can turn into diarhea.

Check out my twitter.

What happened to the Hawks tonight? We are going to lose, but the future is looking pretty good in Atlanta (finally). Hey, Salim Stoudamire is in the game. I honestly thought someone glued his game shorts to the bench back in October. I predicted he would be a pretty good pro. I suck at predicting how good a player is going to be coming out of college as much as he sucks at basketball. At least he’s not Harold Miner, or Josh Howard… News flash, Big Baby just threw Zach to the floor. Game, Set, Match.

Dyron Nix has a wikipedia page. So does Doug Roth. This is a sign of the apocalypse. No wait, no Chris Brand wikipedia though. Forget what I said about the apocalypse. I was over reacting.

Anyone heard of BTI? Me neither. Apparently they do DNA testing on college football players entering the draft and compare the results to the all time greats (like Montana, Farve, Marino, Elway, and Jay Schroeder). Well, guess who is predicted to be the next great NFL quarterback..Nope, guess again, nope, guess again, nope, guess again, nope, guess again, guess again, guess again, he doesn’t play quarterback, guess again, nope, he’s not a football player, nope, guess again, and again, guess again…. Ok, I’ll just tell you….It’s Eric Ainge. From the BTI blog:

“Who is this potential big-time QB? It’s none other than Tennessee’s Erik Ainge. If he is drafted by a good NFL organization that knows how to develop QB’s and it doesn’t put him in a straight-jacket, don’t consider it a surprise if he becomes their ‘franchise’ QB.”

See the April 9th entry for more info

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Sports

Let’s say you’re a jackass, or an asshat, or maybe just a run of the mill dipsh!t and you’re having trouble getting the word out, might I suggest posting a few rants on craigslist?

Want some direction, here you go…

Check out “The WORST day of my life“.  Alex, I’ll take “Misplaced Prescriptions for $100″. There are a number of things wrong with this posting, but I can’t wrap my brain around why the guy (or girl) put the word “WORST” in all caps. 

Taking first prize in the nonsense category, I’d like to submit “Re: re: re:“. There is probably a good explanation for this email, but I like to think that its just some dude who, out of the blue, needed to get something off his chest.

Finally, what’s with this one…   

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns