Jack Ascii

Things that I want….

• I want a motorcycle, preferably a new Triumph Bonneville or one from the early 70’s.
• I want the guy with the Merrell slip on shoes who uses the handicrapper at work to see a proctologist.
• I want to make a short film.
• I want to make a humidor.
• I want to see B.J. Penn fight George St. Pierre.
• I want Jens Pulver to win and win often.
• I want boxing (here is a step forward) and the Oakland Raiders to become relevant again.
• I want to see Clutch live in Knoxville before the end of the year (September 30, 2008).
• I want a pontoon boat.
• I want a good recorded version of Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart”
• I want the Yankees to miss the pennant race.
• I want to see Heath Ledger again as the Joker (sadly, this isn’t going to happen).
• I want to play singles tennis again (I want a new knee).
• I want a big back yard to play in with Turd Ferguson.
• I want Michael Phelps to dominate the Olympics.
• I want to believe in T. Boone Pickens plan to rid our reliance on foreign oil.
• I want to play Halo for a living. 
• I want an Apply iPod Touch with a better keyboard (I don’t own one for this reason. Is the guy who created this piece of crap a nephew of Steve Jobs or something?)
• I want my cat to quit crapping in my neighbors kids sandbox.
• I want to believe in a politician.
• I want a second season of Firefly and a third season of Jericho.
• I want a Ruger Mark III.
• I want new albums from At the Drive In, Sublime, the original Guns N Roses lineup, Nirvana, Sex Pistols, Elliot Smith, Jeff Buckley, and John Bean (Leroy Mercer)
• I want to see Paris and Venice again.
• I want to see Twiggy, the water skiing squirrel, in person.
• I want to meet the girl who messed up Greg Dulli.
• I want to waterski some more.
• I want less stress.
• I want to go to bed……

Comments Off Posted by Jack Ascii / Uncategorized

Hello. I know the guy who made this piece of art. He’s odd. I suggest you go check out his collection of art here (Redbubble.com). From what I know, he hasn’t cut off either of his ears. I recently purchased his Einstein Lines shirt. I wore it the other day and ended up seeing some guy spill food on himself. He was wearing a button up shirt which looked to be pretty expensive. He looked dissatisfied with the whole experience, a feeling that most of the readers of JackAscii.net are familiar with. This piece of art work is called “Untitled”. I applaud the artists use of browns and yellows, but I feel strongly that he needs to work on naming his art. If it were up to me, I would call this one “Jerky Beef”. I like it. I don’t want to marry it though. I mean, what kind of Jackbone marries a piece of art. Anyway, check out arplastinoiii on Redbubble.com. 

Comments Off Posted by Jack Ascii / Neck Punching and Uncategorized

I have three memories from cafeteria lunches in middle school. The first of which is seeing part of a grasshopper bob in the ranch salad dressing self serve bowl a couple days after we dissected them in Biology class. I have no idea who placed said grasshopper in the salad dressing, but I would like to applaud them. See, one character flaw I have (and accept) is that I delight in the misfortunes of others. Now, when I say misfortunes, I’m not talking about cancer, or anything remotely life threatening. I’m referring to things like catching a croquet ball in the groin or jamming up your girlfriends parents toilet. Anyway, when I recall the whole bobbing grasshopper episode, I like to imagine a guy or girl who, after months of fighting it, has finally made peace with the fact that they will be eating cafeteria food for the remainder of the school year. Maybe on this particular day, this person is actually looking forward to eating a salad. Nothing brings me greater joy than these small instances of misfortune. Being a teenager is pretty tough even without finding a grasshopper thorax in your salad. 

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Uncategorized

Inverted rubber – Rubber that contacts the ball with its smooth surface, and is glued to the rest of the bat with its pimpled surface. With a larger contact area, this type of rubber generally produces more spin than pimpled rubber, although some rubbers are designed to have the opposite effect.

Jack Ascii comment: It’s no surprise that table tennis is not often discussed in public. I feel uncomfortable typing the phrase “inverted rubber”.

Pimples – Rubber that contacts the ball with its pimpled surface. Produces different effects on the spin compared with inverted rubber due of the reduced contact area and flexibility of the pimples.

Jack Ascii comment: Terrible term, equally terrible definition. As a group, we ping pong players are not the most attractive assemblage of folks*. So why throw gas on the fire with this term? Couldn’t it have been called Spinners or Bespeckles (found this using the ole thesaurus biznatches)?

* For perspective, ping pong players are not as narly as those guys from Best Buy’s Geek Squad, but still a little more trollish than your average chess enthusiast.

Third ball – The stroke hit by the server after the opponent’s return of the serve. Because the serve can be used to make attacking difficult for the opponent, the third ball is frequently the first strong attacking stroke in any table tennis rally.

Jack Ascii comment: Third Ball. It’s two more than my buddies college roomate.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Uncategorized

If someone kicks you in the groin but misses the jewels, its best to just to fake it. Nothing good can come from telling them they missed.

No Comments » Posted by zinka / Uncategorized