Jack Ascii

ACROYNMS
NYNP - “New York Neck Puncher”
CPAGOTD - “Cell Phone Answering Guy On The Dumper”
FIB - “Food In Beard”; Can also be used to refer to “Food In Brow”

SLANG
SneezeNCeaser - This is a guy who comes in your office, sneezes, and the touches your office door knob last Tuesday. A-hole!
LidHole - This is a guy who gets you the wrong size lid for your drink at the Nixon’s Deli by BestBuy. You probably should have thought something was up anyway because what kind of dude gets another dude a lid for their drink. 
Putter - This is a miniature air biscuit that is released in your opponents general direction as he/she marks their ball upon reaching the green.
SesameSnoozer - This is a dude who apparently ate a Whopper at lunch and somehow managed to get a sesame seed stuck in the right side of his left nostril. Even though you advertently look the exact opposite direction so as to not view this nose ornament once again, he doesn’t get the clue. Then, for the rest of the conversation you are hoping that he doesn’t launch it onto your non-sleeved arm (the inventor of the short sleeve polo shirt needs a good neck punching) after one of his patented mule cackles.

Comments Off Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns and Neck Punching

Total Number of Picks: None

This Atlanta Hawks 2008 NBA Draft Analysis was brought to you by “The Portable Camp Toilet” and this guy. 

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• Amarillo Slim - If you can’t spot the sucker within the first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.
• Albert Einstein - Imagination is more important than knowledge.
• Jeremy “Humpdog” Humphrey (dude who lived next door to me when I was a kid) - Don’t let your meat loaf.
• Winston Churchill - I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
• Charles Barkley - If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.
• Randall Graves - There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
• Mike Tyson - I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I’m going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain.
• John Kruk - I’m not an athlete. I’m a professional baseball player.
• John McEnroe - Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.
• Rampage Jackson - My momma said never trust a catfish with a mustache.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns

Three Backgammon Terms

Beaver - An immediate redouble by a player who just accepted a double. A player who beavers turns the cube up one level and retains possession of the cube

Jack Ascii’s Redirect: This is an unacceptable term.

Clear from the Rear -  A good general strategy to use when bearing in or bearing off against opposition. You clear your highest point (1) first and avoid creating gaps.

Jack Ascii’s Rebuttal: This is also an unacceptable term.

 Cock Shot -  Entering from the bar with a roll of 6-2 and hitting a blot on the eight-point when the only open point is the two-point.

Jack Ascii’s comment: I am embarrassed for Backgammon players everywhere.

Bonus Term’s (presented by JackAscii.net at no extra charge)

Kibitzer - Spectator to a game. Good etiquette dictates that kibitzers not discuss the game within earshot of the players.

Jack Ascii’s Observation: I recommend never talking about Backgammon. 

Mammy Wong Proposition - The player on roll has two checkers on each of his lower three home board points, and three checkers on each of upper three home board points. The opponent has one checker on the bar, six checkers borne off, and the remainder on his one-point and two-point. Should the player double? Should his opponent accept the double?

Jack Ascii’s Interjection: Never in a hundred years would I have guessed a Manny Wong Proposition had anything to do with Backgammon. I think I’m looking at a broken Backgammon glossary. 

Double Bonus (a video)

This guy is actually talking about backgammon and someone actually filmed it. Nice pink hanky by the way.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns and Need to Know and Terminology

Today after lunch I decided to buy my coworkers (all 30 of them) some ice cream. So, I went to Kroger’s and headed straight for the frozen desserts section. I had my mind set on buying some Mayfield ice cream sandwiches. Unfortunately for my coworkers, the Mayfield products were positioned rather close to the generic Kroger brand versions. I ended up buying the Kroger brand sandwiches. I think Kroger needs to be honest with themselves. Looking at their ice cream sandwiches box, it’s like they aren’t even trying. Seriously, it is my opinion that if they changed the current box cover to one that featured a Kroger employee scooping ice cream out of a Bryers dumpster, it would be a significant improvement. I probably need to wrap this story up so I’ll end with this; I treated my coworkers to sub par ice cream.

Nine inch nails released an album (Slip) on their website this week, and it’s totally free. It ain’t no Broken or The Downward Spiral, but it’s free. Now, if I could only get my boy’s Right Said Fred to follow suite…

Jack Ascii’s Nascar Terms Quiz:

• What is Dirty Air? Is it a) the air used and discarded by the lead car or b) a by product of Bobby Hamilton after a six pack of Krystal chili cheese pups.
• What is Drag? Is it a) the vacuum that is created between two cars running nose to tail which results in the lead car pulling the trailing car along with it or b) insert Jeff Gordon joke here.
• What is Weight Jacking? To be safe, I probably just need to tell you what this is. It’s the practice of shifting the car’s weight to favor certain wheels.

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns and Mass Media Update

Let’s say you’re a jackass, or an asshat, or maybe just a run of the mill dipsh!t and you’re having trouble getting the word out, might I suggest posting a few rants on craigslist?

Want some direction, here you go…

Check out “The WORST day of my life“.  Alex, I’ll take “Misplaced Prescriptions for $100″. There are a number of things wrong with this posting, but I can’t wrap my brain around why the guy (or girl) put the word “WORST” in all caps. 

Taking first prize in the nonsense category, I’d like to submit “Re: re: re:“. There is probably a good explanation for this email, but I like to think that its just some dude who, out of the blue, needed to get something off his chest.

Finally, what’s with this one…   

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns

Everyone needs a nice dumper, a Gaylord no less. (credit goes to Captain Dude for this gem)

I personally would rather buy a used toilet; one that looks like its still installed. I am curios what all is involved in the “come and get it” statement.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns

This is some pure reading pleasure. Please, please check out the Bart Fartist. Here’s a sample: 

“The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasn’t left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes.”  

No Comments » Posted by zinka / Funyuns