Jack Ascii

Jack Ascii’s Recommended Tunes for the Week

• The Beastie Boys (So Watcha Want Single) - Buy this simply for the “So Watcha Want” Soul Assassin remix with B-Real from Cypress Hill. “I got the big brown boots when you want to get kicked like a rhyme, from the heart and the mind” (B Real). 
• Iron Butterfly (Bullet Hits the Bone Single) - There is no better air drum solo, outside of “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, than “Bullet Hits the Bone”. Terrible name for a band though. Almost as bad of a name as GC (Not really, nothing is that bad).
• Karen O (Hello Tomorrow Single) - This is from that Adidas commercial last year. Great song. Speakin of Adidas, do they make shoes anymore? Speakin of shoes, Jack Ascii strongly recommends these for the summer of 2008. In case you forgot to click on GC above, here’s another opportunity. 

Jack Ascii’s Complaints of the Week

• Railroad Tycoon 2 rules. Railroad Tycoon 3 sucks. Why? Parallels has trouble with Railroad Tycoon 2, but Mac OS X 10.4 has no trouble with Railroad Tycoon 3. Why? 
• My 2 year old cannot say truck. I cringe whenever we are in a group of people and he spots a dump truck. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
• The Vols had 24 rebounds tonight while Louisville had 42. I hate Rick Pitino again (Not really, but he has Tennessee’s number). I would like to thank the seeding committee (certified jackasses) again for giving us the royal shaft. We weren’t going to win the tournament, but come on. Please please please, someone beat North Carolina. I liked Roy allot better when he couldn’t win the big game. It would also be nice for Carolina to have to play a road game in the tournament. 

Jack Ascii’s Poor Terminology Finds of the Week

• Prophylaxis (Chess) - A prophylactic move in chess stops the opponent from taking action in a certain area for fear of some type of reprisal. Prophylactic moves are aimed at not just improving one’s position, but preventing the opponent from improving his.
• Rolling the Cheese (Billiards) - Rolling the cheese means to either shoot another ball into the nine-ball, or carom into the nine-ball, in the hopes that it will find a pocket.
• Sticky Wicket (Cricket) - A field which is partly dry and partly wet, creating a treacherous and uncertain bounce which makes the batter’s life difficult…by extrapolation, any life situation which is full of hazardous uncertainty!
• Goalie Rod (Foosball) -  The defensive bar closest to the goal; the 3-man goalie rod of a Tornado, the 1-man goalie rod of some other tables.

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Mass Media Update

Everyone needs a nice dumper, a Gaylord no less. (credit goes to Captain Dude for this gem)

I personally would rather buy a used toilet; one that looks like its still installed. I am curios what all is involved in the “come and get it” statement.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Funyuns

Jack Ascii’s recommended tunes for the week:

The Passenger (Iggy Pop - Live Supreme): This song goes well with a Shrimp Po Boy and a Sierra Mist. If you don’t like “The Passenger”, there are also pretty good (not great) versions of “I Wanna Be Your Dog”, “Search and Destroy”, and “1969″. 

Shut’em Down (Public Enemy - Greatest Misses): This song was recorded live over across the pong. Probably the best live Public Enemy song ever. I have “Fight the Power - Greatest Hits Live” and for the most part its a pretty okay live album. This song, however, is fantastic live. I especially like the British chick laying down an intro at the beginning. Golden Grahams and precooked bacon go swell with this song.

Where is my Mind (Placebo - This Picture EP). No one does this song better than the Pixies obviously, but this version by Placebo is pretty good. Like the Public Enemy song above, this one also appears to have been recorded over seas (it’s officially called the XFM live version). I recommend listening to this song while enjoying some Spaghetti O’s and a lightly chilled glass of soda water, no ice.  

The National Anthem (Radiohead - I Might Be Wrong Live Recordings) - Anything by Radiohead, live or in a studio, pretty much has the Jack Ascii seal of approval. Nilla wafers and a grape Mad Dog 20/20 pair up nicely with this live cut.

Jack Ascii’s movie quotes for the week:Here are three movies I can watch over and over. I realize they are somewhat mainstream, but I don’t care. 

The Big Lebowski - [holding up a bowling bowl] “What the f*&# is this?” (Blond Treehorn Thug) ”Obviously you’re not a golfer” (The Dude) 

The Royal Tenenbaums - “I’ve always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That’s just my style.” (Royal Tenenbaum)

Stir Crazy - That’s Grossberger. The biggest mass murderer in the history of the southwest. He killed his entire family and all of his relatives in one weekend and then he killed some more people that reminded him of his family (Rory) 

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Mass Media Update

My sister recently got a new car and I thought it would be pretty cool to compare some of the vehicles we have owned in the past. I wanted to spark a sibling rivalry of sorts. Anyway, for this battle, we are going to compare her current car, a 2004 Mercedes SL600, to the car I used to deliver pizza’s in, a 1987 Chevy Sprint. Let the battle begin. 

Performance

• SL600: 0-60 - 4.5 seconds, Engine - 500 hp V12, Transmission as tested - Automatic

• Sprint: 0-60 - Yes, Engine - 90 hp 3 cylinder, Transmission as tested - 5 Speed Manual

Advantage: SL600

Look and Feel

• The SL600 feels kind of like a roomy version of a Corvette when you sit in it. The sound system is nice, and the wood grain interior is plush. Oh yeah, the convertible top is suede on the inside. You could actually go to sleep driving this machine.

• The Chevy Sprint had bucket seats. It floated a little. I drove into a big puddle (flood zone) delivering pizzas one night. The car floated for a good 15 to 20 seconds and then settled down slowly into the 3 feet of water. I remember sitting in the car and seeing a beef jerky wrapper float out my window.

Advantage: 87 Sprint

Resale Value

• The 2004 Mercedes SL600 is currently valued in Kelly’s Blue book at $80,165

• The 1987 Chevy Sprint is currently valued in Kelly’s Blue book at $245. This is fifty dollars more than a push lawn mower that my mom is currently trying to sell.

Advantage: 87 Sprint ($240 is only like $300 less than what it sold for new)

Winner: 1987 Chevy Sprint

Honestly, this was a classic car. It got something like 50 miles to the gallon, it made my pizza customers feel sorry for me which resulted in inflated tips, and it impressed the ladies. Okay, it didn’t get quite 50 miles to the gallon, it was more like 40. It could also out maneuver a U-Haul truck - this is a story for another day.

1 Comment » Posted by Jack Ascii / Sports

Whenever I go to one of those sit down restaurants where you have to get your own soda (i.e. where they just give you an empty cup), I always struggle with choosing a lid. That is because whenever you select a lid, in most cases you have to touch 3 or 4 others. Obviously my problem isn’t with the lids I touch, but the lids others have touched before me. I always picture some guy with lepracy and a bad sinus infection fumbling through the pile of lids minutes before I pick mine out. I think this will one day force me to give up all beverages.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Need to Know

Inverted rubber – Rubber that contacts the ball with its smooth surface, and is glued to the rest of the bat with its pimpled surface. With a larger contact area, this type of rubber generally produces more spin than pimpled rubber, although some rubbers are designed to have the opposite effect.

Jack Ascii comment: It’s no surprise that table tennis is not often discussed in public. I feel uncomfortable typing the phrase “inverted rubber”.

Pimples – Rubber that contacts the ball with its pimpled surface. Produces different effects on the spin compared with inverted rubber due of the reduced contact area and flexibility of the pimples.

Jack Ascii comment: Terrible term, equally terrible definition. As a group, we ping pong players are not the most attractive assemblage of folks*. So why throw gas on the fire with this term? Couldn’t it have been called Spinners or Bespeckles (found this using the ole thesaurus biznatches)?

* For perspective, ping pong players are not as narly as those guys from Best Buy’s Geek Squad, but still a little more trollish than your average chess enthusiast.

Third ball – The stroke hit by the server after the opponent’s return of the serve. Because the serve can be used to make attacking difficult for the opponent, the third ball is frequently the first strong attacking stroke in any table tennis rally.

Jack Ascii comment: Third Ball. It’s two more than my buddies college roomate.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Uncategorized

Jack Ascii’s recommended places to punch someone if they cut you in line at the local BestBuy

1) In the breadbasket. In the event you get arrested, be sure to use the term “breadbasket” in your written statement.

2) In the neck. If I could go back in time, like way back, I’m talking second grade here, I would punch the first kid in the neck who gave me crap about wearing generic parachute pants (They were made by Panasonic…..yep, the same Panasonic that makes crappy electronics made my parachute pants.) Anyway, I think it would be cool to be known as a neck puncher. I bet it would have improved my draft position in kick ball games……

3) In the coconuts. To be honest, I have never been a fan of the coconut puncher. Most of the time I was the one getting punched in the coconuts. I think the worst time I ever got punched in the coconuts was in third grade. I was walking to the water fountain and Scott (no clue what his last name was, but I’m pretty sure his dad was also his great uncle) socked me in the juju beans (synonym for coconuts). It wasn’t pleasant to say the least. Even more displeasing than getting punched in the gorgonzola’s (another synonym for coconuts) was explaining to my female teacher, Mrs. Bowers, why I was hunched over crying while holding my bumbo’s (synonym numero tres for coconuts)

Jack Ascii’s recommended tunes fo the week, fool

Public Enemy’s How You Sell Soul to Soulless People Who Sold Their Soul- Chuck Dangerous is back again with another hit record. Sure, this one ain’t Fear of a Black Planet or It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, but as always Chuck has made another record that’s timely and relevant. And the beats are still there. Check out “Harder tha you think”, “Can you hear me now”, and the albums title track.

“YOU DONT STAND FOR SOMETHING,YOU FALL FOR ANYTHING,HARDER THAN YOU THINK, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING”

Pilot Speed’s Into the West- I recently went and saw the new Kevin Bacon “Death Sentence” movie. It sucked, but the soundtrack was pretty cool. Anyway, Pilot Speed is one of the featured artists on the soundtrack. They sound like Coldplay and/or Snow Patrol and the lead singer is a dead ringer for U2’s Bono (albeit with a slight lisp). If you can iTunes it, listen to “Barely Listening”, “Alright”, and “Ambulance”. The Black Angel’s are also on the soundtrack. I will probably give them a listen later this week, as long as I don’t get covered up with punching people in the neck.

Jack Ascii’s recommended pants comments for the week

1) Anyday you have to wear pants is a bad day. I think this is my new motto. I need to win the lottery. My promise to you is that I will never wear pants again if I win the lottery (except for the occassional funeral or when I want to go shirtless).

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Mass Media Update

I have a real knack for writing childrens stories. Bottom line, I am pure gold. This is one I plan to submit to the Little Golden Books publishing company.

“Todd and the Space People”

One night while looking out his bedroom window, Todd saw a small blue spaceship land in the woods behind his house. Immediatley Todd got up and decided he wanted to go get a closer look. Figuring that a long trip would make anyone hungry, Todd gathered some food from the kitchen cupboard to bring to the space people. He put one jar of peanut butter, one jar of jelly, and a loaf of bread in a paper bag and ran out the back door and into the woods. Todd slowly walked up to the small blue spaceship so as not to scare the space people. Once Todd got close to the door on the spaceship, it opened and three strange creatures came out. The strange creatures were like nothing Todd had ever seen. They were yellow and had three legs, one arm, and their heads were square with an eye in the middle. The tall one had a red eye, the short one had a brown eye, and the middle one had a black eye. The tall one reached out and shook Todd’s hand while the other two unloaded a few items from the space ship. Todd was really happy when the space people began to sing and dance. Upon hearing all the noise from the woods, many of Todd’s neighbors became scared. Several of the men got together and decided to go and see what was causing the raucous . Todd saw the men approaching the space people. He could tell they were angry and scared. The space people stopped singing and dancing because they were also terribly frightened. Todd explained to his neighbors that the space people were harmless. At that moment the space people began to sing and dance again. Todd’s neighbors joined in the fun too! After several hours of singing and dancing, one by one Todd’s neighbors left until he was once again alone with the space people. “What a night I’ve had” Todd thought to himself. Todd then prepared to say his goodbyes. Todd told the space people goodnight and wished them a a safe journey back home. As Todd turned to walk away, the tall one grabbed his hand while the other two grabbed his legs. The space people then barbecued Todd. The short one made a handbag out of skin taken from Todd’s Torso. The End.

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Jack Ascii Movie

I went to high school (Oak Ridge) with Meredith. She was one of the most genuine people I have ever known. She had a great smile too. You can find her obituary here. It appears she lost a battle with Lymes Disease. She will be missed.  

No Comments » Posted by Jack Ascii / Oak Ridge